Food for the Soul

SMALL THINGS CAN BECOME SO BEAUTIFUL.  A LITTLE CARING, A LITTLE SHARING, THAT’S ALL LIFE IS.  – OSHO

 

I went to a Catholic elementary  school and a Catholic high school.  These were followed by undergraduate and graduate studies in Catholic Universities.  It was a thing…okay?  I’ll leave it at that. I’m not sure how it was growing up in other schools, but going to a Catholic grade school and high school with actual nuns  was an experience that creates bonds for life.  Not too romanticize it too much, I do realize that people did have bad experiences growing up in the Catholic school system, and any system for that matter,  but that’s not what I’m going to focus on here.  So, to all those hurt by their Catholic school experience, you are not forgotten, at least not by me and some of your other alumni.

 When you spend that much time with people, well you just can’t help but get to know them.  Of course, some you know better than others.  Some you like better than others.   We grew up together.  We knew about each other’s families, especially in elementary school.  We had similar experiences and shared experiences that are suspended in time. Girls had ugly school uniforms.  In grade school, we had to brown bag it for lunch.  We knew names like Sr. Mary Cecelia, Sr. Mary Constance,  Sr. Mary Patrick, Sr. Leone.  We lined up by two’s to go to daily mass.  We had rules: Rules we still find absurd.

This past weekend I had a high school reunion.  Not everyone wants to go to their high school reunion.  I get that.  I wasn’t even certain that I was going to go.  I do still know and remember many  people I knew in high school.  I don’t happen to spend a lot of time with them, but when I do see them, I always have such a good feeling that lingers and is not to be duplicated.  So, what’s that about?  Well, I call it food for the soul.

Not everyone at the reunion had just sweet memories of their good times of high school. A lot of them had some crazy stories about what they did and got away with, the way they were treated or others were treated, and just weird and stupid things that happened.  They talked about it all.  I’m glad they did.  It made it real, and certainly goes to show how time can alter our perspective in a healthy way.  I was so happy to see each and every one of them,  and hear all the stories, whatever they were.  I liked hearing about their stories, and I enjoyed telling them how good it felt to see them.  I enjoyed hearing what they remember about me.  I enjoyed telling them what I remember about them, and I have a lot of good memories.  I enjoyed laughing.  But the conversation wasn’t limited to what happened, but what has happened since.  How they were different, and in some cases the difference was amazing, and in others the sameness was amazing.  It was beautiful to see their young selves in their older faces.

No one was forgotten.  Upon entrance, there was a table with a laminated name tag for each classmate with a black and white copy of their Senior class photo.  How sweet is that?  There was even a place set aside for those who had already passed on to the next world, and in Catholic – speak, that is heaven.  They were honored, missed and there with us.

One thing present at this reunion was love…maybe a little corny, but true nonetheless.

Love comes in many forms.  Being in a room with people who are so happy to see each other alive and well after so many years is definitely food for the soul.  The act of taking the time and effort to make the arrangements (And Big Thank You to all those that did!), and/or to show up for each other after so long does make me take pause.  I feel grateful to all those who were there.  It isn’t that often for me, and maybe for others, to be in a room full of people just to see each other,  happy to see you, to enjoy your time together and to have fun, and it’s not a family reunion.  It isn’t often enough for me to be in a room with that feeling.  There were no complications about it.  It was simple.  The best simple.  Capturing a sense again of that time in your life, a time that is without the knowing that we know now,  had a wonderful lightness of being.

Today, mostly what I recall of the reunion are the great smiles, laughter and warmth.  I came without expectation, and left with love and peace in my heart and good memories. Not bad for a Saturday night!

Gratefully,

Vivian

P. S.  I dedicate this to John Barger, who I saw at my class reunion and who inspired me to start writing again.  Thanks, John!

 

Babysitting for Siblings: To Pay or Not to Pay

Paying your children for babysitting (or any other household chore) is definitely a matter that has some controversy.  In a capitalist society, we do often rate the value of ourselves or things based on its worth in dollars.  However, as a democratic society, we also understand the value of having a voice/casting a vote.   Our primary relationships are those within our family, and in that group we learn about relationships.   Families are complicated…yes.  Each family is different and similar.  So, this discussion takes into account that each family’s decision regarding paying siblings to care for another sibling reflects the values of that family.

A family is a group that consists of individuals.  As a family therapist, I often talk to families about their values.  The values of a family are reflected in their roles, rules and rituals.  Older siblings often take on the role of a caregiver for younger siblings.  This role may be imposed or may be voluntarily chosen.  Either way, the parent(s) determine by whom, when and how this task of caregiver gets carried out.  As the executives of the family, the parents determine the decision-making process.  The decision to pay or not to pay will vary from family to family.  Understanding how each family makes their decisions, and maintaining consistency in that process is the key.

An authoritative parenting style has been touted as the most healthy parenting style.  The authoritative parent has high expectations balanced with understanding, reasonable and explicit consequences for children’s behavior, and attention to the child’s social and emotional needs.  In contrast, the authoritarian style, does not balance the high expectations of the children with the responsiveness of the authoritative style, instead the parent tends to be strict and firm.  There is little room for negotiation or communication.  The alternative styles of  neglectful and permissive parenting, both can put children at risk in the short-term, and can also result in long-term damage.  Neither of these styles allow for healthy communication that helps children learn good decision-making and provides clear boundaries in a family system.

As for getting paid for babysitting, the debate usually revolves around the issue of family contribution versus individual rights/needs.  One potential point of conflict is that older siblings could possibly be denied opportunities to earn money babysitting (or elsewhere) or to participate in other activities due to responsibilities at home, namely taking care of their sibling.  There may be times when the sibling can be expected to care for their sibling when it does not interfere with other obligations they may have (i.e., school, extracurricular activities),  contributes by allowing parents to fulfill other household obligations or due to an emergency.   When the babysitting responsibilities become more regular and take up several hours or an entire day or evening, it may be worth having a discussion with your older child regarding any remuneration.

Knowing your family’s values and a willingness to have a conversation (not a lecture) about this teaches your child a lot about having a healthy relationship.  After all, we learn much better by example.  The decision about getting paid can come in steps, and also can be an issue that remains open for discussion.  Allowing your child to have their say is important.  Making a decision that takes their thoughts and feelings into consideration can bear rich fruit in the short and long run.  As a parent, know that you are clear about your motives:  This has more power than “Because I said so” as your child gets older.  Of course, you don’t have to agree, and can maintain a willingness to review the issue in the future as circumstances change.  One important note:   Your child’s consequential feelings toward their siblings can impact their relationship.  In the case of taking on what may be viewed as too much responsibility, the child may develop resentment towards their sibling.  This is not to be cast as emotional blackmail, but more as something to keep in mind as a parent and with the family’s overall wellness in mind.

Ultimately, making a decision that works for your family is what matters.  All families are not in a position to pay their children for babysitting, particularly at the going rate.  Likewise, parents often provide their kids with a lot of other perks like, spending money, an allowance, a cell phone,  entertainment, etc.   And what about the idea of each member contributing to the family; that’s worth discussing.  There may also be other factors that impact the family’s ability to be flexible on this issue.  It is even more important to talk to your child and children about this in a manner that is age-appropriate:  What you share with your child regarding the facts is relative to their age, their cognitive abilities, and what is their business versus adult business.   The bottom line is to make decisions based on your family’s values, your current situation, with an open mind, and a loving heart.

Thank You For Being A Friend: 5 Tips on How to be One and Spot a Good One

Relationships are THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT factor in having happiness.  Friendship is a gift, and thinking of it that way helps maintain a good friendship over time.  The attitude of gratitude influences the way you think about your relationships.  This type of attitude encourages many ways to act toward your friends that will nurture them and your relationship.

Here are some helpful suggestions for steps to having an awesome relationship:

1.  Express appreciation.  Express appreciation for how your friend makes a difference in your life.  Expression appreciation of the ways your friend(s) contributes to your life by favors and acts of kindness, but also by simply being who they are.  People remember how you make them feel.  When you tell your friend how much you value them and your relationship, this strengthens your bond.

2.  Be nonjudgmental.   Avoid forming opinions about your friend’s decisions, likes/dislikes, behaviors, etc.   Accepting someone for who they are and where they are is a loving act.  Of course, that doesn’t imply that you don’t have healthy boundaries.  This simply means that you respect your friend’s autonomy, and are not intrusive.  Even thinking in a judgmental way impacts your relationship. What your friend chooses to do is their business up until the point it impacts you, and then you can gently discuss this together.  Many times thinking in a judgmental way simply comes from a misunderstanding or the possibility that your conclusions are not entirely based on fact.

3.  Listen.  Never underestimate the power of listening. Listening is a common characteristic of successful relationships.  Listening non-judgmentally is particularly powerful.  Listening has many positive consequences.  Listening sends the message that you take an interest in your friend.  Listening well also allows for the opportunity to know the other person.  The more you share about yourselves,  the deeper the bond.  Remember, people  don’t tend to learn much when they’re talking.

4.  Respect.   Showing your friend that you hold them in high regard is essential, and must be mutual.  You express your respect by maintaining healthy boundaries, and particularly by avoiding advice giving.  Advice giving can undermine the other’s confidence, and potentially imply that you do not respect them or their judgment.   Understanding your friend is the goal.   Listening well is an art that takes practice.

5.  Love.  Think of love as a verb and not a noun.  Therefore,  act in a loving way with your friend consistently…this includes hugs and kisses.  Let them know you care for them in word and deed without expectation of anything in return.   Let them know what you love about them, and how they matter to you.   After all, love is all that matters in the end.

Have a wonderful day!  Be a good friend today.

Love and Peace

Dr.  V

Getting Yourself from”I Can’t” to “I Can”: 5 Steps To Getting There (And You CAN)

If you haven’t heard it yet, or even if you have, here it is:  “Thoughts become things”.   Is it true?  Well,  I believe it is.  Even if you don’t believe that statement, you may believe or consider that your thoughts (or attitude) impact your behavior.  Your behavior, or what you do, definitely changes things, positively or negatively.   So, what you believe or the thoughts that you have create  and impact your reality.  So, if you think you can’t, then you can’t.  You won’t ever know, because if you don’t even try, well then you’re right….it won’t ever happen.

Step #1:  BELIEVE

So, if you believe you can’t, then you can’t.  But, you may wonder  how can I get to believing in me.   How can I resurrect my dream or even begin?  Well, first you start by knowing what it is that you want.  Do you want financial stability?  A different job or your own business?   A happy family? Good friendships? A committed relationship?  Health?  Now, believe that it can be yours. People who believe in themselves recommit themselves to themselves and their goals on a regular basis. Faith takes practice. So practice.  Start your day, and end your day stating your intentions out loud, reading them or writing about them.  Focus and meditate on them.  THINK IT.  BELIEVE IT.  IMAGINE IT.  DO IT.  SEE IT.

It doesn’t have to be hard.  It can be fun.  Whatever you do, do it joyfully.  It makes a difference.   Take it from someone that knows.

Step #2:  COMMIT

Commit yourself to your goal.  Tell yourself repeatedly that you are committed to ________.   For instance, you could say, “I am committed to my financial success.”  Or you could say, “I am committed to my health and well-being”, or ” I am committed to my family”.   You may need to make other commitments to create a context for success.  For instance, you may commit yourself to your time or your money.   That is to say, that you do not give your time or money away without consideration of  your ultimate goal or life plan.

Particularly, as women, we are often eager and encouraged to be people-pleasers.  We are also often discouraged from being assertive or taking care of ourselves first.  We are often rewarded for our caretaking of others.  This influence may often be subtle: We may be overtly rewarded and complimented on how well our children do or our more “feminine” qualities versus our independent accomplishments.  We are encouraged for “being nice” not for “being assertive”.   People may; ask you for a recipe, not how you just landed that great, new job or fat deal.

Step #3:  STAY FOCUSED

Avoid getting sidetracked, and there are an infinite number of ways to do that.  This may be something that happens external to yourself via others’ requests or distractions.  It can also be internal.  Either way, something’s gotta change.

Begin to pay attention to how you spend your time and energy.  Is it going to what others want or what you want?  Is it benefiting your goals or benefiting someone else’s goals?   I understand that doing for others has its benefits, and it is often necessary.   However, you have to draw the line when you’re doing things that they can do for themselves,  or interferes with you taking care of yourself.  For women, learning to take care of yourself and your needs is often counter-intuitive.

If your internal state distracts you from your goal, then take time daily to refocus yourself.  Start a routine that gets you on track, and keeps you on track.  Create a schedule that includes exercise and time for meditation and silence.  Know how you are going to spend your day, and commit to that before letting someone else or something else pull you in another direction.

Step #4.  BE OPTIMISTIC

 

Staying positive works best.  Having a positive attitude keeps you happier and healthier. Optimism creates more positive and constructive ideas, which leads to more effective planning and actions.  Having a more positive attitude, will also attract more of what you want in terms of people and other resources.   I have also found that many unexpected gifts begin to “show up” in your life.

Being optimistic and remaining optimistic will also require that you ignore pessimists.  Ignoring pessimists, does not mean that you adopt a naive stance or not heed caveats.  You still  have to make choices, but looking at the facts of a situation does not equate with being pessimistic.   Your perception certainly affects your choices, and you may miss opportunities if you cannot see them.  You see a lot more possibilities when you are open-minded and optimistic.

By being optimistic you can be more resilient when encountering the inevitable setbacks, including the naysayers.  Instead, you can seek out solutions, and create plans that get you to your ultimate success(es).  Remember, as a woman, there are so many more opportunities for someone to say or think, “You can’t do that.”.  Choose to ignore them, and follow your heart and your own mind instead.

Step #5:  SUPPORT

Surround yourself with people who support you and your goals.   There are others out there who you know, and who you don’t know yet,  who care (and will care) about your health and happiness.  They may appear in your life unexpectedly as you find yourself on a different path, or they may already be part of your life.  They may be family, friends, or your life partner.  They may be colleagues or other business associates or community members.

If you don’t have a solid support system, or want to develop a particular aspect of your support system,  then you can include building a support system as part of your plan.  Look for opportunities to create connections.  You can start by looking for others who have similar goals, information and expertise you need and want.  If you know what you want to create for yourself, then find others who want that, have it and know how to help you get it.  If you want to develop your spirituality, then go where others are looking to develop theirs  If you want to get healthy, then seek out others who want to get healthy and also who know how to maintain it.   If you want to have some fun, then find somebody who wants to do that, too.  If you want financial success, then seek out others who have the know-how, and are willing to help you.  You’ll end up helping each other, and that’s the most effective way to go about it.  Developing these relationships are essential and necessary to your success and achieving your goals!

Certainly, coaching and counseling are great and effective parts of any support system.  I often help people by being part of their support system, and help them to develop and maintain a solid, support system.

As a coach that works with women, I also understand the issues that are specific to women in support of their development, health and happiness.   Having healthy relationships is the number one factor in happiness.  Women are great at developing relationships, and have always appreciated the bonds of sisterhood. Be supportive of one another.  We need each other, and we need to build each other up.

Here’s to your health, happiness and success.  I hope that I am helping you in your mission!  Let me know how I can help you further.

Dr. Vivian

 

 

 

Going Yourself from”I Can’t” to “I Can”: 5 Steps To Getting There (And You CAN)

If you haven’t heard it yet, or even if you have, here it is:  “Thoughts become things”.   Is it true?  Well,  I believe it is.  Even if you don’t believe that statement, you may believe or consider that your thoughts (or attitude) impact your behavior.  Your behavior, or what you do, definitely changes things, positively or negatively.   So, what you believe or the thoughts that you have create  and impact your reality.  So, if you think you can’t, then you can’t.  You won’t ever know, because if you don’t even try, well then you’re right….it won’t ever happen.

Step #1:  BELIEVE

So, if you believe you can’t, then you can’t.  But, you may wonder  how can I get to believing in me.   How can I resurrect my dream or even begin?  Well, first you start by knowing what it is that you want.  Do you want financial stability?  A different job or your own business?   A happy family? Good friendships? A committed relationship?  Health?  Now, believe that it can be yours. People who believe in themselves recommit themselves to themselves and their goals on a regular basis. Faith takes practice. So practice.  Start your day, and end your day stating your intentions out loud, reading them or writing about them.  Focus and meditate on them.  THINK IT.  BELIEVE IT.  IMAGINE IT.  DO IT.  SEE IT.

It doesn’t have to be hard.  It can be fun.  Whatever you do, do it joyfully.  It makes a difference.   Take it from someone that knows.

Step #2:  COMMIT

Commit yourself to your goal.  Tell yourself repeatedly that you are committed to ________.   For instance, you could say, “I am committed to my financial success.”  Or you could say, “I am committed to my health and well-being”, or ” I am committed to my family”.   You may need to make other commitments to create a context for success.  For instance, you may commit yourself to your time or your money.   That is to say, that you do not give your time or money away without consideration of  your ultimate goal or life plan.

Particularly, as women, we are often eager and encouraged to be people-pleasers.  We are also often discouraged from being assertive or taking care of ourselves first.  We are often rewarded for our caretaking of others.  This influence may often be subtle: We may be overtly rewarded and complimented on how well our children do or our more “feminine” qualities versus our independent accomplishments.  We are encouraged for “being nice” not for “being assertive”.   People may; ask you for a recipe, not how you just landed that great, new job or fat deal.

Step #3:  STAY FOCUSED

Avoid getting sidetracked, and there are an infinite number of ways to do that.  This may be something that happens external to yourself via others’ requests or distractions.  It can also be internal.  Either way, something’s gotta change.

Begin to pay attention to how you spend your time and energy.  Is it going to what others want or what you want?  Is it benefiting your goals or benefiting someone else’s goals?   I understand that doing for others has its benefits, and it is often necessary.   However, you have to draw the line when you’re doing things that they can do for themselves,  or interferes with you taking care of yourself.  For women, learning to take care of yourself and your needs is often counter-intuitive.

If your internal state distracts you from your goal, then take time daily to refocus yourself.  Start a routine that gets you on track, and keeps you on track.  Create a schedule that includes exercise and time for meditation and silence.  Know how you are going to spend your day, and commit to that before letting someone else or something else pull you in another direction.

Step #4.  BE OPTIMISTIC

Staying positive works best.  Having a positive attitude keeps you happier and healthier. Optimism creates more positive and constructive ideas, which leads to more effective planning and actions.  Having a more positive attitude, will also attract more of what you want in terms of people and other resources.   I have also found that many unexpected gifts begin to “show up” in your life.

Being optimistic and remaining optimistic will also require that you ignore pessimists.  Ignoring pessimists, does not mean that you adopt a naive stance or not heed caveats.  You still  have to make choices, but looking at the facts of a situation does not equate with being pessimistic.   Your perception certainly affects your choices, and you may miss opportunities if you cannot see them.  You see a lot more possibilities when you are open-minded and optimistic.

By being optimistic you can be more resilient when encountering the inevitable setbacks, including the naysayers.  Instead, you can seek out solutions, and create plans that get you to your ultimate success(es).  Remember, as a woman, there are so many more opportunities for someone to say or think, “You can’t do that.”.  Choose to ignore them, and follow your heart and your own mind instead.

Step #5:  SUPPORT

Surround yourself with people who support you and your goals.   There are others out there who you know, and who you don’t know yet,  who care (and will care) about your health and happiness.  They may appear in your life unexpectedly as you find yourself on a different path, or they may already be part of your life.  They may be family, friends, or your life partner.  They may be colleagues or other business associates or community members.

If you don’t have a solid support system, or want to develop a particular aspect of your support system,  then you can include building a support system as part of your plan.  Look for opportunities to create connections.  You can start by looking for others who have similar goals, information and expertise you need and want.  If you know what you want to create for yourself, then find others who want that, have it and know how to help you get it.  If you want to develop your spirituality, then go where others are looking to develop theirs  If you want to get healthy, then seek out others who want to get healthy and also who know how to maintain it.   If you want to have some fun, then find somebody who wants to do that, too.  If you want financial success, then seek out others who have the know-how, and are willing to help you.  You’ll end up helping each other, and that’s the most effective way to go about it.  Developing these relationships are essential and necessary to your success and achieving your goals!

Certainly, coaching and counseling are great and effective parts of any support system.  I often help people by being part of their support system, and help them to develop and maintain a solid, support system.

As a coach that works with women, I also understand the issues that are specific to women in support of their development, health and happiness.   Having healthy relationships is the number one factor in happiness.  Women are great at developing relationships, and have always appreciated the bonds of sisterhood. Be supportive of one another.  We need each other, and we need to build each other up.

Here’s to your health, happiness and success.  I hope that I am helping you in your mission!  Let me know how I can help you further.

Dr. Vivian

 

 

 

Worried or Anxious?

As a therapist and coach it’s very important to understand the difference between worry and anxiety.  It’s significant, particularly as a professional, to know whether your client is simply worrying or experiencing anxiety.  Many times, people don’t know what the difference is.  As a therapist and coach, it certainly changes how I’d go about helping my client, and whether I wear the therapist hat or the coach hat.

Worry is a part of anxiety, but anxiety is not necessarily a part of worrying.   We worry about the weather or the Thanksgiving turkey or getting to work on time.  We can worry about a lot of things that can be relatively inconsequential.  I categorize worry under the concerned column.  You can be concerned, but it doesn’t necessarily disturb your peace of mind.  Worry can also fall under the oh-so-common “stress” column.  We talk a lot about stress these days.  I believe that life has become more demanding, particularly mentally demanding, and just plain busy.  So, we stress about something, but that doesn’t mean it controls our thoughts and behavior.

As a coach, a client may have concerns about their career path, life balance, or their effective parenting.  They want to achieve certain goals, and have concerns or may be preoccupied.  They want to figure out how to best address a current life challenge, and handle it in an optimal way for optimal results.  This type of situation calls for a coach.

Worry, however,  can cross the line into anxiety when it becomes excessive, and the worrying is difficult, if not impossible to control.  Anxiety is different than worry since it is accompanied by physical symptoms.  People often feel dizzy or get stomach aches and headaches when they are anxious.  Tightness in your chest, heart pounding, racing thoughts, sweats,tingling, trembling or feeling shaky also can indicate anxiety. Anxiety simply put feels bad.  Worry is no picnic either, but having chronic anxiety takes a toll.

Worry is an activity in and of itself.  You can choose to worry or choose to not worry. Worrying does not help in solving a problem, or indicate to your loved ones that you love them any more.  Our actions demonstrate our love.  So, if I am concerned for someone I care for, I’ll check in on them.  If I am concerned that I left the oven turned on, then I’ll go back home and check that it’s turned off.  We can distract ourselves from our worry or address the concern.

Anxiety is not so easily remedied.  Chronic anxiety requires some professional help, and the good news..it’s very treatable.  People who have chronic or clinical anxiety, do suffer with it.  People can be prone to anxiety through genetics or extreme trauma.  Anxiety can also result from sudden or chronic life events and transitions.  So, if you have a friend or loved one you suspect is dealing with anxiety, encourage them to seek help from a behavioral health professional.  Frequently, my clients don’t always know that they are even experiencing anxiety, and feel relief just to understand and get helpful support. Remember, this is a serious health issue and not a character issue, and should be treated that way.  Even talking to a professional can help ease your mind.  It’s worth your time.

Peace and Love,

Dr. V

Patience, Patience, Patience

 

 

I find that patience is a hot commodity these days.  Literally,  having access to the world at the push of a button boggles the mind, but don’t think about that too much.  I know we’re used to it.  I understand that kids are born into a world that doesn’t know life without a touchscreen and virtual reality.   A world with such immediacy neither fosters nor tolerates patience well.   Patience, as they say, is a virtue.  Well, I don’t hear much talk about virtue either.  I do believe that perhaps both may be in short supply lately.  Both patience and virtue are necessary ingredients for peace of mind,  and even though our culture has grown to believe that faster is better.  I  don’t think  peace of mind, oftentimes available only by being patient, will ever go out of fashion.

Patience, as I am often reminded, is not my strong suit.  I’m not terrible at being patient. Having kids certainly helped me improve my ability to be patient.   I have my limitations, and I bring this up today, because I was again reminded that I “need to be patient”.  Not the first time I’ve heard that, probably not the last.  Either way, it was a gentle and useful reminder.

You see, life throws a lot of things at you.  More often than not, one has no control over any given situation or certain variables that impact the situation.   When you experience a circumstance as stressful or uncertainty looms large, patience can come in handy.   In life,  the express lane through a problem does not exist.  I don’t know about you, but more than once I have had the thought “Wake me when it’s over.”.   That’s not my original line, I know I’m not alone in this.

So, what is patience?  Patience requires waiting with a positive, or at least satisfactory attitude.  It requires accepting things as they are.  It requires practice.  Life can teach us about patience,  if we open our minds to learning the lesson of patience and its inherent value.  Being patient with life and others is virtuous.  And what is virtue?  Virtue is doing good for its own sake,  or doing the right thing.  Having a conscience that’s free and clear has immeasurable value.  Inevitably, patience allows for events to unfold and the necessary time to gain perspective.  Patience tends to be nonjudgmental and kind  versus impulsive and unforgiving.

Do not underestimate the value of patience.  The research is clear that those who can tolerate delaying gratification tend to be much better at managing frustration and stress, and generally fare better in school and life, get along with others, and are generally healthier.  Learning patience has its challenges, but has invaluable rewards.   So, teach your children and yourself well.  Teach by example.  Live by example.  Be patient with yourselves and others.

 

Love and Peace,

 

Vivian

Go Ahead….Make Your Day in 3 Easy Ways

So, here you have just 3 simple things you can do to Make Your Day….

MAKE SOMEONE ELSE’S DAY:   Staying out of your own head, and doing something for someone else is an express lane to improving your day.  Opportunities abound to help someone else.  It can be as simple as paying a compliment to a complete stranger or calling an old friend out of the blue or returning a call.  You could give someone a needed hug, or send an “I love you” text.  How about inviting a friend or family member or a co-worker to coffee or lunch.  Don’t wait for the special holiday to celebrate. Today is the day.  Doing something for someone else, that is, being altruistic, has been shown to be good for your emotional and physical health.  Just remember to keep it simple.  Don’t overdo it so that you end up feeling overwhelmed.  A little bit can go a long way here.

TAKE A NAP:   Yes, kids have it right.  Taking a nap is a great idea, particularly mid-afternoon when you might feel that dip in your energy level….just a little while after you’ve had lunch.  A daytime nap can be amazingly restorative, even 15 minutes can make a difference.  Actually short naps, anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes, are recommended so that you avoid falling into REM sleep.  A little REM can leave you feeling groggy when you wake up.  I realize that most working adults don’t have that extra time during the work day.  Well, plan a break or take a nap on a non-working day.  Or maybe you aren’t working, then no problem there.  If you have kids at home, take a nap when they take a nap.  Napping is  highly recommend.   Try it.  You’ll like it.

PLAY:  Yep, I said play.  Play anything.  Play a game.  Play a sport.  Play tag, real tag, not phone tag.  Phone tag doesn’t count, because it’s not fun.  Play with your dog or cat or pet hamster. Play with your kids.  Play an instrument.  Don’t judge how well you play.  Just play.  Play can turn your day around.  You can play tic-tac-toe. Play with Play-Doh.  When’s the last time you did that?  Play with a kid…they’re naturals at it.  It doesn’t have to be complicated.

Play with others.  Even though there are some great games that you can play solo,   play with another person or persons.   Play is all about having fun and forgetting about being serious.  Play forces you to be in the moment and present with someone.  It can connect you with others.   It can make you feel like a kid again in a lot of ways.  For example, have you ever noticed other people’s personalities come out when you’re playing a game?  The competitor, the cheater, the sore loser, the deliberate loser (The deliberate loser doesn’t like to see others lose.)….it’s great fun!  You can let go and just be.

So, these are just a few suggestions on boosting your day in fun, easy and simple ways.  Nothing deep here.  Just a few reminders that some of the best things in life are free and available to you.

So,  let me know how you Made Your Day by making a comment at  Dr. Vivian Sierra on FB!

 

Peace, Love and Fun!

Dr. Vivian                                                                                                                                                     Coach and Counselor

 

Visit my website!
https://drviviansierra.com/personal-life-coaching/

 

 

 

YA GOTTA HUSTLE

Many people have heard of and/or ascribe to the law of attraction.  I believe in the law of attraction, karma and the concept that thoughts become things.  These concepts are unique, yet closely related.  The law of attraction requires keeping your thoughts in a positive frame if you want to attract positive results and opportunities.  The opposite holds true.  If you focus on the negative, then you’ll get that too.  Karma, embodies the moral  notion that , “You reap what you sow.”.  People often guard their karma.  Karma has an ethical foundation, whereas the law of attraction implies that the universe feels indifferent towards morality.  The universe or source simply reflects back to you what you express in word or deed.  If you tend to complain about not having enough, then you will continue to experience scarcity.  Likewise if you have a chronic complaint about being overwhelmed that will most likely persist.  In contrast, if you expect abundance, you will experience that as well.  As has been said, “What you resist, persists”.  The idea that thoughts become things also has power in it.  Again, what you think about, will drive your behavior.  Your behavior will create your reality and attract opportunities, welcome or unwelcome.  You decide….again those are your thoughts.

However, one’s destiny does require more than lying around just thinking about how things are or how things are not.  Life requires effort.  Life requires some hustle.  Moving in the direction of your goals and dreams….requires one to move:  Movement in a very specific direction.  Move is the key word here, and in this technological era, life can move very quickly.

“GREAT THINGS MAY COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT, BUT ONLY THE THINGS LEFT BY THOSE WHO HUSTLE.”  – Abraham Lincoln

So, yes it is important to think positively.   It is important to have concern about your moral and ethical stance….to have and maintain your integrity.  Observe and safeguard your thoughts for they do precede your actions and direction, and ultimately attract what it is that you exude.  When in pursuit of an amazing life, whatever that may mean to you, you’ve got to add some hustle.  This seems simple, because it is simple:  It’s just not always easy.  Hustle definitely has greater rewards than just sitting back waiting for whatever you’re waiting for could never have.

Think of this:  Hustle + Positive Attitude = Power

If you’re not sure how to hustle, watch someone who knows how to hustle.  Ask them how they do it.  Learn from them.  Most hustlers (hustlers in the good sense of the word, not a grifter or the like.) are willing to help other hustlers or wannabe hustlers.  They’re willing to give you a boost or share good information,  but unwilling to do your hustling.  Why would you want them to?   Then you wouldn’t be hustling, you will have become a hustler in the pejorative sense of the word.  Having and creating your own has its distinctive rewards.  You’ll find out if you don’t already know.

So get out there!  Hustle!  Go Get IT!   However long it takes,  and  whatever your “IT” may be.

Have an amazing day.  Let me hear about how you made your “IT” happen.  How’d you hustle?

Dr. Vivian                                                                                                                           Coach and Counselor

 

 

MARCH ON!

Saturday, January 21, 2017….what a remarkable day in history.  Women all over the world united to STAND UP for themselves and their loved ones.  I joined in the St. Louis March.  The energy was amazing. People were speaking out,  joining together in a peaceful and joyful expression about what matters most to them.

I had the great fortune to be able to talk with many of the marchers.  And there were all kinds of people there.  There were, of course, women.  Women of all kinds:  young women, coming of age women, adult women, seasoned women.  There were mothers and daughters and grandmothers.  There were fathers, and sons and grandfathers.  There were kids and babies.  There were husbands, boyfriends, friends, and  independent supporters of women’s rights and human rights.  I even ran into my son!  He came to make a statement and a difference.  (How proud am I  of him?)  There were people of all colors, ethnicities, nationalities, sexual orientation, and I imagine all stations of life.  There were natural and naturalized citizens and immigrants. There were the original Native Americans.  They were all joined together in a peaceful and powerful demonstration of liberty, justice and the pursuit of happiness.  Freedom of speech rocks!   I love this country!

I was also proud of my city, St. Louis.  St. Louis definitely represented!  St. Louis spoke out.  St. Louis participated.  And showing up does matter.

 

 

I respect differing viewpoints, whether or not I share the same ones.  Diversity in all its forms, including one’s political leanings, makes for a great democracy.  Speaking with respect and authenticity are paramount to having a healthy and functioning democracy and relationship of any kind.  Respecting one’s right for self-determination is also a discussion worth having and perpetuating.  I see theWomen’s March as the beginning of a conversation, and not a single event.  It is a message that says:

“HEAR OUR VOICE”

(Please visit:  https://www.womensmarch.com/principles  https://www.womensmarch.com/mission/)

I urge my readers to avoid seeing the Women’s March in simplistic terms.  This is a complex issue, and rhetoric that reduces it to black-and-white or superficial terms is an error and a missed opportunity. You may disagree with the catalyst for the Women’s March.  You may not agree entirely with its mission and guiding principles. However, I would find it difficult to disagree with ALL of the principles set forth.  I believe we can find common ground.

As a life coach, my focus is on inspiring women to live inspired lives.  Empowering women to “go for it”, and to live a remarkable life.  Yes, I believe there are many remarkable women that provide examples to us all. They are people you may meet on any given day, but aren’t featured in a tweet or CNN headline.  But as said by the Pulitzer Prize winning author and academician, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich,  “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” Often misinterpreted, this quote actually highlights those  truly well-behaved women who have done extraordinary things outside of the limelight, yet  have been overlooked by the history books.  The Women’s March was a day of everyday women and everyday heroes creating an extraordinary worldwide event…a day of many well-behaved citizens making history together.

As a life coach, I often work with “well-behaved”, fascinating women.  They want something more for themselves and their lives.  Being a coach for women is an honor that often calls for instilling hope and courage.  Encouraging women to be courageous often requires that I have and hold faith and belief for them and their possibilities.  Belief and faith and hope are contagious.

The Women’s March has spread a contagion of hope, faith, belief,  and the power of standing up in peace for what one believes to be right.  So, be the change you want to see in the world, and let that change begin with you!

Here to make the world a better place one woman at a time…

Dr. Vivian

Coach and Counselor

P.S. Watch for the launching of my newest project coming next week!